The day that changed my life forever! Lost and scared now, but still fighting back ! Hope everything ends soon ... And I'll be gone from this world to fight no more ! Let this end soon .... and I shall leave peacefully ! For I do not wish to fight anymore nor do I wish to live !

The storm has ended … so did my qualms! It’s just a phase, they said. Well, it’s becoming a routine for me now!

A routine I do not want in my life but keeps knocking on the door every now and then! And I keep opening the door hoping for sunshine! May be I should look through the keyhole next time!!!

Metamorphose

I cannot afford to cry ...
I cannot even sob in the
silence of my bedroom ...

I've to be strong ...
Or show the world that I'm bold ...
Or more importantly
that I'm a heartless bitch ...

But do not believe
that I'm weak ... I'm bold.
As being weak and caring for others
din't really serve the purpose all these years.

Until recently, I was a girl confused
of the practicalities and unrealistic modes of life.
Fully driven by emotions that screwed me up to the core!

So I decided to change myself.
To transform into something new
that I never knew I could be.

So friends, here is the metamorphosis of a girl ...
I'm a heartless bitch now !!!


... ... ... At least in front of some.

.... Recap ....

I saw you.
I looked at you.
I looked away.

My heart trembled.
I looked again.
This time, you were staring at me.
I couldn't breathe.
I looked away.

I wanted to come to you.
I wanted to tell you how badly
I loved you all these years.
But when you spoke to me,
all I could ask was 'how are you?'

I had almost lost hope.
That's when you appeared in front of me.
I was on a time machine.
Back to the days I loved the most.

It was an experience.
I knew it.
It is still an experience.
Now I know it!!!

While I lay on my bed
pondering over her vibrant paintings,
I sensed the unseen rays of
intense emotions that remitted
through the canvases into my conscience !










And I said.

"Señora Frida,

usted me inspira a que viva
en sufrimientos con todo prospere
en vida a través de poesía y de pinturas !"***


................

*** (Spanish)
Madam Frida, You inspire me to live in sufferings yet flourish life through poetry and paintings !

I'm trying to
stitch my wounded heart.
It's painful
and I can't do it anymore.









I will have to leave it open,
for the germs to eat my wound.

Still the pain will be there,
causing slow and horrifying death.

My wounds open,
my grieves exposed.
I wish I were
anesthetized by your love,
my wound was stitched,
to be healed forever !

A little poem that I wrote for my Darshhh, about the red flower she clicked the other day.


As red as a flower,
I could just see the redness.
Yes, the redness of that
thing called 'flower.'









Redness that stands for
a feeling called 'love'
or
Redness that stands for blood ???!!
I pity the flower for being 'red'
For it never knew,
I would create such a goof about it !!!

'Better' things !!

I've better things to do,
rather than fighting with you !!!

I've better things to do
like missing you ...

I've better things to do
like cherishing memories of us both ....

I've better things to do
like crying when you do things not acceptable ...

I've better things to do
when you give me reasons to hate
and I try to love you more and more !!!

So this is it !!!

I've better things to do
rather than fighting with you !!!

I got hurt today.

It’s good to get hurt at times.

That lets you know

how happy you were.

I talked about you
to a friend for hours.
He was a good listener…

I told about our tales
the whole night …
And now I’m suffering the loss !

Why did I do that ?
I knew that you will disturb me again
Still, I couldn’t stop.

And that’s why I kept
you locked in a hidden
chamber deep inside my heart…
Never!!!
Never ever to be opened
and to be forgotten.

But the past unfolded
And now I’m searching
for the lost key to lock you in again !!!

Feeling heavy...
I guess,
my heart weighs a ton now !

You thought my heart was stuffed
with grief and pain ???!!

It's just empty!!!
And it's my emptiness
that is this heavy !

Missing …

Christmas message ...

London is covered in snow…
Christmas is around the corner …
I believe Christmas stands for goodness
And the snow is covering everything bad
Keeping them underneath until Christmas is over!
Now let us all enjoy giving and taking gifts,
chocolates, wine, hug and kisses
Let us enjoy the Christmas lunch with family,
forgetting the worries and intolerance for each other …
And when the snow melts…
when Christmas is over …
we will be out of this illusion..
and back to the practical world
paying interests for many credit cards
on which we did the Christmas shopping!!!

I searched for true love.
Knocked on every door, but failed.

People said,
"True love is good only in books."

I continue my search ...
For I still feel
true love should be real!

And I continue my search ...
For I still feel
true love makes one complete!

I want to be complete.
So I continue my search ...

I'm a dreamer.
You are an opportunist of my dreams.

But I love it.
For you make me dream more...

Somethings are too obvious.
But not so obvious, he thinks!
Why does he make it not obvious
but is very obvious in real?!









Aaahh! He thinks I'm a fool?
I obviously know to behave not
too obvious that he is clean obvious!!!

And he got upset
everytime when I asked?
Atlast I heard it from him...
The hidden 'obviousness'!!!

I'm trying best to
keep myself so busy that
I've no time to think !

Still the chilled weather
is easily turning my mind cold.
So cold that I'm numb now !

Wish I could be numb forever ...
So that the tears can't flow down ...

Wish the day was over long back ...
So that I could again try and
win over time some day until I succeed !!!

I'm seeing a lot of
weird people these days.

They talk of unpleasant ideas
that does touch my heart
but not my thoughts !

I closely watched them;
tried my best to grasp them.
But still they say,
I'm no better than an alien
landed from an unknown world.

Foreign to their thoughts n emotions.
I felt foreign as well and doubted myself.

Seeing those strange people,
now I feel strange about myself.

Why do I dream about a future ???!!!
When there is none at all !!!

Why do I try to forget my past ???!!!
When that’s all what is left now !!!

Why do I not live in the present ???!!!
When all advise me to do so !!!

Wish someone understood
what I’m going through now …

My past attracts me like a magnet.
My present is numb like my mind.
My future is a road in the woods leading me no where !!!

It is summer …
And I was washing
dishes yesterday, after lunch.

I spotted an ant on a washed
plate that was left to dry.
I killed it with a tissue,
the next moment.
Then, I thought.
I should have carefully
taken it on that tissue
and set it free outside my window.

But I dint do that
and killed a life, instead.
So I cried,
Thinking how cruel I was.

I killed a life.
I cried thinking
how human I’m!

My eyes filled with tears.

Sometimes I feel,
I even forgot to speak.

Words flow out only
in black and white.

I’ve forgotten my voice.

I feel strange
hearing my own voice,
when I speak the occasional
“Yes’s” and “No’s” !!!

I'm happy.
And you make me cry.

I'm happy.
And you make me cry again.

It still goes on ...

It seems like you
don't want me to be happy at all.

One day, very soon,
I'll make you cry, forever...

And then, I'll become happy, forever.

So beware! I feel the day is not so far.

People ask questions
not to know more about you..

But to let you know
they know all about you !

I gave my heart to him.

And he lost it somewhere.

Since then, I'm on the

search for it. To get it back.

Hope I will find it soon.

Or I'll have to become

heartless from now on.

The choice is mine

for he doesn't care about it anymore!

I cried today.
All because of you.

Because of the way
you smiled at me,
making me feel that
I'm not in your heart anymore !

You don't know the

deep and dark voidness I'm in.

Even if you knew,

there is nothing you could do.

So why should I let you know?!

You are out of it.
I could feel it.

But I'm going deep into it ...
the more I feel it.

Myself to be blamed !

I enjoy my loneliness now.
I spend time with your thoughts.
There is none to interrupt me.
Not even you.

I enjoy my loneliness with you …
without your presence !

'It's hard to meet you as a stranger.'
You said once.

And now you behave
as if I don't exist at all.

Don't give me that sarcastic smile !


I know you are smiling or
even laughing at me now.

I've to admit.
I'm a fool that
I've fallen in love !


You told me once.
"You don't even know me!"


You have only seen
that side of love.
Knowing each other well
and then falling in love
or rather entering a pact of love.


But there's another side to love.

And that's why it's widely known as
'falling in love.'



But you would never know that
because you have never 'fallen in love'!

I'm surrendering,
for I can't win my heart back.
I've played and lost the game with you !

My friend said.

"If I were a guy, I would

have snatched you from him.

And given you a baby.

And sent you for PTA meetings."

I laughed.

Then I thought.

'Good that you are not a guy.

For I would have lost you as a lover.

Atleast you are there as a friend.'

It's not as hard as I thought.

This multi-tasking !

My trials to forget you
and of cherishing you
at the same time.

You closed the doors.

Just seeing me outside.

I was only passing by.

Never intended to come in

and stay with you.

For you had already told me

Not to expect anything more !

You became a bait

for my thoughts.

And my words !

I feel sorry for you.

It's sunny again.

Everything seems perfect.

Like I never met you.

But I know

there is an imperfection

in that perfection!

I remember.

That day you felt bad
to drop me at some stop
because you were late for office.

Another day you dint
feel bad to stop calling
me just like that.

And I felt bad!

I never woke up next to you.
But I did.

I never shared a dessert with you.
But I did.

I never watched movies cuddling with you.
But I did.

I never went for long drives with you.
But I did.

I never did a million things with you.
But I did.

Yes. I did it all
in my secret thoughts.
I did it all in my secret world!

Oscar Wilde said:

'Prayer must never be answered:
if it is, it ceases to be prayer and
becomes correspondence.'

So I do not pray anymore.

The 'HE' has changed finally.
But why is the 'I' not changed?!

Still can't figure out!

I've made enough reasons

not to think about you.

I'm sick of finding reasons now.

For all I do is think about you.

Now I should try something different.

So that I stop brooding over you.

I'm far from you.

Still feel close to you.

Is it my fault?

You came like a hurricane

and swept away my heart,

leaving my soul in the ruins.

Now you come like a lazy

breeze, to keep a check on me.

To see me smile at you

when I'm actually suffering from the loss!

I had a hair-cut.
And to my surprise
you too had a hair-cut.

You were looking nice.
But you never
bothered at my new look.

Neither of us wanted
to show each other anymore.

Or where we
trying to show that
we are happy in our own lives?!

I hate BMW's.

There are too many here.

They are everywhere I go.

Never noticed it before !

It seems the sun doesn't
want to go down here.


It's still shining brightly
like my hopes in life !
And I feel wonderful
seeing the sun, smiling at me.


I know it is trying
to make me smile too.

This is the chocolate mousse

you said, you would make for me.

I never had a chance to have it.

But I must say.

'It's delicious!

So were the moments

we spent together.'

You are just a child.
You don’t know the
art of avoidance!
When your words
blocked your voice,
I realized it!

Do you remember?
I dint let you explain
for I knew, that would be hard for you.

If you don’t know how to avoid,
look at me, I will show you.
I’ve practiced it
for years, though I dint wish to.
It’s an art where you hurt yourself.
I’ve mastered it over the years!

It’s not easy, I’m telling you.
The art of Avoidance !!!

Some are very practical in life.
And some don’t know what it is!

It is said,
those who are practical
succeed in life, forgetting the past.
.
.
.
.
And those who are not,
fill their blogs with
childish cries and
despair filled words.

Big Deal!
The damage is done.
So why can’t I have the liberty
to fill my own blog.

Atleast, I don’t have to ask you.

I pressed my nose
on the pillow to get your smell.
But in vain, reminiscing
the fragrance of your sweaty hair.
I pressed my hands
on my heart to suppress the grief.
But in vain, holding your
memories in myself.

I pressed my lips
on each other to hold my cries.
But in vain, sobbing
like a child on your rejection.

I became the culprit.
And you became the good boy.
Well, this had to happen
sooner or later !

I have a heart.
Perhaps like your's.

You treated me
like a friend initially.
But never knew
would forget me as a stranger!

I too get hurt.
Perhaps more than you.
But it's fine.
I will deal with it.

For I don't want
to give you more pressures.

It's so easy to see, meet,

fall in love and then break up...

Never knew it was so easy..

Atleast for you !

It rained here heavily today.

No one knew it was the

tears I shed for him.

Oh! It doesn't matter,

for he too din't know !

Let it rain..

Till I feel calm.

I saw a bajaj scooter
passing by today.
A very rare sight on the
cobbled streets of Brussels.
A man with his daughter
was on it, her little hands
tightly around his waist.

My dad too, has a bajaj scooter.
The one in which I've had
a lot of incredible rides.

It is still there, parked
on a corner of my house.
Not used very often now.
When my new black car
took over the garage,
it silently wept, I guess.
But I still miss that bajaj scooter
and the rides with my dad,
tightly holding my hands
around his waist !!!

I smiled looking

at his childlike face.

I simply smiled.

He asked me

why I was smiling?

I simply smiled again.

Why do you have

to ask me this everytime?

There are a million hidden

dreams and feelings in those smiles.

Those are things I'll never tell you ...

For I know, you are not mine.

So just see me smile

looking at your childlike face.

I haven't watched

TV since yesterday...

I haven't read the

newspapers since yesterday...

I wouldn't dare to

for I do not want to see

your soulless body,

your frozen blue face!

Let me remember you

as my dearest 'aami' ...

I remember your twinkling eyes..

I remember your smell..

I remember your embrace..

I remember your words..

I remember your smiles..

I remember your naughty comments...

I remember everything about you!

I cried for hours

and it made me feel better.

I've missed you all these years.

I will miss you all coming years.

I hate the corporate world.
Oh God!
Please don't push me into it.
I have never understood
the agendas, targets,
diplomacy or politics.
I do not wish to understand them.

Let me be happy in my world
where words come alive,
birds play around me,
flowers allure me with it's fragnance,
where dreams come alive
and urge me to write...
I feel the bliss here.
I'm happy here.
Oh God!
Please dont snatch this amazing world from me.

We played a game.
We set the rules too.

'Why did you get worried?
I know the rules,
I haven't forgotten them.'
(Though I would love to!)
'Come, let's play again.
So that I see your
excitement like a small boy.
But I must say,
you are tempting me
to forget the rules.'

Maybe he knew it.
Because he din't come
to play with me again!

Chocolates

He offered me a chocolate.

I said, 'No, Thanks.'

'But you love chocolates?!' he said

'Yes, I do.' And I did not explain.

I watched him eat his chocolate all by himself.
I did not feel tempted.

(I wanted to laugh)

But I just smiled.

I simply thought to myself.

"Did he not know that

the things you love the most

should be enjoyed very slowly?

If I have it all day and night,

I will stop loving it.

And I want to enjoy chocolates forever! "

I sense something fishy.
Or is that I don't have the
mere common sense to grasp his thoughts?!

Aahh! it seems I don't have
the sensibility to sense
even the most intelligible ideas!

..that senseless I've become.

If I want...

I can call you now.

I can text you.

Type and send msgs like...

'I love you'

'I miss you'

'I can't live without you'

'Kisses'

'Hugs'

'Yours forever'

But I wont.

Because ...

only your number is familiar to me now.

You've become unfamiliar to me.

But I still cherish the familiar 'you' in me.

I lost my 'self ' long back.


A monster, I became.
Insane to the core.
Yelling and cribbing
my head on small things.
Loosing temper so quickly
that I could not control.


I was not like this.
I remember.


I feel calm and peaceful now.
I can see my 'self ' on the mirror.


I'm at peace..... ... .. .

I feel like writing a million lines about you, but I will not.

You know it all.

Today I discovered... 'I'm beautiful!'

Thanks to you... I felt it after years !

I wish ...

I did not have to see

jets crawling in the sky.

I wish ...

they did not leave white trails

for me to stare for hours.

Even if I had to see them,

why can't they vanish in a wink?!

I miss home !!!

He called me a saddist.

I did not deny.For,

I enjoy pleasure in pain.

But he never understood

I enjoy the pleasure in my pain.

.

.

.

Not other's !!!

Passion

Emily burnt like the cigarette between her shivering fingers. She was shivering head to toe as she sat next to the window, looking outside at the lonely park. It was a cold breezy night.
She casually thought about her first meeting with Ed. So passionate, that they did not wait for a second chance to kiss. It was again a cold night. She was wearing a light jacket that couldn’t resist the rude weather.

‘One can’t trust the Belgian weather.’ Ed said, as he smiled looking at her sparkling eyes. That was his first conversation with Emily. ‘One can’t trust a man’s mind’, she now thought.

As Emily searched for the pack of cigarettes for the next smoke, she could see a young lad staring at her, not realizing that she was not there at the window for a catch late in the night. She looked at him for a while and looked away at the sleeping urban jungle.

Cities are not so scary like the countryside at night, where Emily grew up. They are beautifully illuminated even at night though you can expect the worst nightmare. But the first night with Ed was not scary but memorable, like rest of the days and nights that followed. Those days were very beautiful that their six year old son, Mathew was now silently sleeping in Emily’s bedroom, believing his mother was sleeping close to him.

Emily felt her tears rolling down her cheeks. But when she tried to wipe it off, she realized there were no tears. She was not left with enough energy to cry more. She had cried all her life till now, after Ed had left Emily and Mathew when he was just six months old. He had not ditched both of them, but had gone to follow his dreams to become an accomplished writer.

Emily visited bookshops regularly to search for the name, ‘Edward John’ among the new comers list. She even tried in the best selling lists restlessly, if she had missed his previous books. But never found Ed’s name or books. She had been sighing, weeping and crying since then.

‘Let me write my first thoughts ever. Hope you will like it, Ed.’ Emily thought while she walked to the dining table. Everything was ready for her to start writing. Papers and pen had been set long since she had been thinking of writing to Ed.

Emily had been waiting for the right moment to begin that creative process. And finally, here it was! It was a cold, breezy and silent night. Everything was perfect now.

Emily took the pen and began writing, a task which had never tried before.

Dear Ed,

Here is my first ever writing, only for you.

You always wanted to be my first lover.
I wanted you to be my last lover.

I played passionately and won.


I love you

Yours forever,

Emily

While Emily wrote her name, her hand was shivering and weak, not because of the freezing night, this time. She was bleeding to death while her right hand drenched in blood. Emily was soaked to her skin in red making her beautiful face, pale now.

She played and won passionately. Indeed.

Freeeeeeze

I wish ...


everyone else froze
for a few minutes,


So that ...


I could hug you tightly
and kiss your lips passionately !

I cried today.

Not because
I was missing him.

Not because
I was lonely.

Not because
I was wasting days.

Not because
I wanted to release my tensions.

Not because
I was away from my goals.

Not because
I wanted to break free from relations.

But I cried.

Cried because
I felt like crying !!!

'Dream is an illusion'

Who said so?!
I'm telling you...


Dream is an illusion for
those who can't dream in life !!!

For me,
dreams show a parallel world
where I'm happy always...


No matter whatever
worst happens around !!!

I think I'm in love with you.
But you dont have to worry.

I can handle it by myself!

(I meant, you don't have

to run away from me.)

Long ago...

there lived an old man.

People called him 'insane'

For he slept on the streets

and had no worries still.

He lived with the 'cents'

thrown at him by the rich.

On a bright sunny day,

he was watching a couple.

He smiled at them,

and sang a love song.

A little girl came upto him

and asked, "What is love?"

He carelessly replied:

'They say love has no boundaries.

Yes, it has no boundaries when one

asks for commitment in love.

So dear, choose a man who has

love and boundaries in life !!!'